Armor
by quinnley1
Summary: What the shield is really for. Spoilers for The Parts in the Sum of the Whole, 100th episode. *NEW* second chapter put up, from Booth's POV. Surprised me too.
1. Bones

**Armor**

_*Spoilers for episode #100, "The Parts in the Sum of the Whole". I've already seen/read/heard people moaning and crying about how unfair it is that Brennan and Booth didn't end up in a happily-ever-after situation. That it is unrealistic for these two characters who are so in love to not give in and be with each other. Well, they are so wrong it hurts to think that they don't get it. Not trying to be offensive, because I'm a B/B shipper too, but come on people, if they got together for real in the show the show would lose its drive. It's fall into the Sam/Diane problem that Cheers had way back in the day: everyone bitched to get them together, but once the show did it no one was interested enough to watch anymore and it got stale and boring. Anyway, that last scene seems to be bothering a lot of people, so I wanted to give my insight on why I thought Brennan acted the way the writers made her. It seemed very accurate to me, and gave her a whole new level of depth that the audience wasn't expecting from the character. This is my take on why she said what she said; my attempt at making her motivations understandable to the other drama queens/kings who just want Hart to cut this shit out and get Seeley and Temperance together._

_Someone brought up that they believe my spelling of the word "dyke" is incorrect and that it means something completely different from a damn or levee. Both "dyke" and "dike" are correct in this use. I did not misspell anything.  
_

Disclaimer: The characters described within are the property of their copyright holders and not myself. I do not own anything to do with the show Bones, and no infringement is intended. No money is being made on my behalf.

* * *

I knew. I had no empirical data to back up this baseless assumption, but I knew that he was going to do this to me. To us. Ruin us like this. We can't move forward, and now we can't go back to that tenuous bond we had before.

Maybe reminiscing, sharing our true start with Sweets, was the trigger. Maybe he's been mulling this over since the coma. Perhaps it's been even longer in coming than that; maybe ever since Sully left he's wanted to speak those words to me.

I know what he thought the second the word "no" passed from my lips. I know that Sweets, Angela, damnit what everyone will think when they inevitably hear about this. That I'm refusing to let my walls come down; that I am the little Dutch girl with a finger in the dyke and a whole ocean on the other side that I'm trying to save myself from. Every single one of them is wrong. I don't think even Booth, with his advanced ability to read people and interpret emotions, believes the truth when I told it to him.

I love him. It was a shock to me to find that I had fallen in love when I still wasn't totally sure I believed in its reality beyond the chemical process manipulating our brains. I would do anything I could, within and beyond my power, to save him from pain.

But I know that I will hurt him if I give in, and I can't do that to him. My wants, my needs, my desires; they are nothing. I realize that my refusal to enter into a romantic relationship with him is counter-intuitive in that regard. He laid his heart out before me, and I pushed it away. That had to hurt him. Yet I know from experience that loving someone, two someones, who are your entire world so completely that there is no question that they will always be there for you is nothing but a set up for pain.

Perhaps I was broken the instant I realized my family was never coming back. Even though two thirds did re-emerge, the damage had been done. It is also possible that I have some so-far undiagnosed mild form of a social disorder; perhaps I should talk to Sweets about that. Whatever the reason, I cannot connect on the level that Seeley wants. On the level that he deserves. He has earned the right to every single one of those mythic fifty years of happiness, even though I still think monogamy is an unrealistic pipedream. He should get what he wants, but I know that I am not equipped to give it to him.

I have not been protecting myself by reinforcing our invisible line. I thought I was protecting him. Hopefully, I still am. The pain and awkwardness that we are about to embark upon will be fleeting in comparison to the pain I would cause him if I had let him in and then crushed his metaphorical heart muscle.

Even though I am nearly completely disconnected from modern culture as a whole, I do recall the saying that if you love something you should set it free. Typically, I do not take much stock in phrases and sayings because as a whole they are largely inaccurate and misleading. This one however seems logical, at least from my stand point. I will never be all that he wants; I can never give him everything that he needs. If I give into this biological and mental urge to be with him now, I will eventually ruin our lives together. I can see that he needs me, and if maintaining a platonic relationship is the only way to ensure our continued success as a partnership then I will see to it that it stays that way.

My white knight has always tried to shield me, but anyone could see that I was the one wearing the armor. He will don it now. The breastplate will be strapped down tightly, the shield will be hoisted on his arm, and the visor will slam down to protect himself from me. But he will not leave. Not yet anyway, and that is all that I deserve to ask for.


	2. Booth

**Armor**

_A/N: Ok, so I was just going to write this piece based on Brennan's POV of the 100__th__ episode. Then I recieved so many PMs asking me for my take on Booth's that I actually had a dream about it last night lol. So, here it is, hope you likey-like._

Disclaimer: The characters described within are the property of their copyright holders and not myself. I do not own anything to do with the show Bones, and no infringement is intended. No money is being made on my behalf.

* * *

What have I done. I've totally screwed whatever we had up, that's what I've done. Good job Seeley, way to go.

For so long she's been locked up in that jail cell of her own making. Her defense mechanism, her shell, her armor. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that I've handed her a couple of those bars that she used to build the walls, but I thought that I had helped her make so much progress in coming out and opening up. I remember her from the early days, I see how much she's changed since she's met me, and I know that many of those changes are probably a direct result of my influence.

I thought I was helping her come out of her cell. I had no idea that I was just building my own right next to hers so that I could be closer until it was too late and I let those stupid words out of my mouth. I remember telling Gordon Gordon that she wasn't in love with me, because I would have known. I was stupid, because she was. I saw it tonight, saw it in the tears in her eyes; heard it in the painic in her voice.

Even though I could see it, she still kept me at arm's length. Her refusal while I could still taste her on my lips nearly killed me. I can understand it though. She's had only herself to rely on for so long; she's been hurt by those who were supposd to love her so badly that I can't really blame her for her reaction.

I can understand it, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I literally feel like one of the bodies we bring to the lab that has been poked, prodded, and then de-fleshed by the squints. Right now, there is nothing left of me but my bones.

Huh, my Bones.

She says that she's doing this to protect me. If that isn't the biggest head-trip of my life I don't know what is. All this time I've spent trying to shield her from the bad and draw her out into the good, but she's the one who thinks that she's protecting me. I'm honestly too confused right now to know if I should call "bullshit" or accept her answer as something that she truely believes or not.

If she believes it, then god she must really love me. More than I ever could have dreamed. She recognized that I had trapped myself to her side in my own little jail cell and she gave me the keys to escape without any thought for her own release. I can't stay here in my cell next to hers for the rest of my life. I'm not a masochist, and she's not a sadist. If I stay stuck in love with her and she never comes around we will have wasted our lives together on a "what if?", and niether of us deserves that. I will need to move on, release her from the guilt and myself from the pain.

Eventually.

For right now, I'll just open the door to my cell. I wont leave her alone, I can't leave her alone no matter how much this hurts right now, but I won't stop myself from leaving if anyone reaches in through my door.

Am I getting too Freudian here? A caged woman, locks, doorways, sadism, masochism, bars, release, keys ... it probably says something about me that this is the imagery that I conjure up when I think about this situation. Too bad that I'm never going to be able to talk to Sweets about this crap.

Damn Sweets, he'll hear about all of this eventually, and what do you want to bet he's going to force us to relive this painful moment over and over again.

Some gambler I am. I should have sensed that she wasn't ready. I wonder if she ever will be.

I wonder if it will be too late by then.


End file.
